Crush
by BlacKScotcH
Summary: There is a fine line between love and obsession...


I wrote this story ages ago, and just thought I'd put it on. Based on the song by Garbage, #1 Crush and the poem _Porphyria's lover._

* * *

He didn't know when it started, when the seeds of darkness were sown.

At the beginning, it might have been love.

But then, like everything else in his life, it turned rotten, like the golden fruits that hung from the trees in the Jungle. Affection turned to obsession; love to burning, ravenous lust. The fruit turned grey and soft, shrinking into a small rotting core.

_I would die for you, I would die for you,  
__I've being dying just to feel you by my side  
__to know that you're mine._

Since he had first saw her, he knew he had loved her. The breath caught in his throat, the blood rushed past his ears, and he was lost her eyes. Electricity passed through their touch.

They had talked, and he had seen things that made him love her more, if that was even possible. He kissed her once, and he touched Heaven as his lips met hers. But that kiss was stolen, false. He saw it in her eyes when they parted.

She didn't show that side of her around Jack. The side that was part wicked playfulness, part terrible sadness. She only showed it around him; and for that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world.

_I will cry for you I will cry for you.  
__I will wash away your pain with all my tears.  
__And drown your fear._

But that was all she showed him; the rest was for Jack, and Jack only.

Her secrets, the one he could pull out of her through their games, were all he could get from her. She told him nothing, eyes like the lock of that case she had fought him for. At first, that was all he needed; but then...

He grew restless. A dull gnawing was in his belly, almost like hunger. He began to yearn for the parts of her he could not see.  
Emotionally, of course...

_I will pray for you, I will pray for you,  
__I will sell my soul for something pure and true. _

_Someone like you._

He tried. God knows how he tried. Tried to be like Jack, good and virtuous, the perfect man. But it fell on her unseeing eyes, and it was fake anyway. Nothing good like that existed in him. He tossed away that part of him, leaving in the sun to bleach like old bones, slinking back into the darkness. He remembered that one moment of Heaven, and kept it deep inside. The yearning grew.

_See your face everywhere that I walk in,  
__Hear your voice every time that I'm talking.  
__You will believe in me,  
__And I will never be ignored._

She was in his dreams, in his thoughts, driving him crazy. He watched her, saw her with Jack, laughing, kissing him. Rage was burning, fire in his belly and his heart. Sick, twisted thoughts crept into his mind, whispering in his ear. Flashes of poison inside his head, images of darkness, black hate and burning lust.

_I would burn for you, feel pain for you  
__I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart..._

At first he had tried to push away the monstrous thoughts. But soon he didn't, secretly enjoying them. Welcoming them. He took to watching her, waiting. He slunk like a hyena, hungry eyes watching, always watching.

_And tear it apart..._

She knew he had changed. She kept away, making excuses, watching him almost fearfully. She didn't understand why he was different.

_I would lie for you, beg and steal for you,  
__I will crawl on hands and knees until you see..._

He didn't know how he got the gun, or what had happened. All he knew was that he was standing over Jack, the gun warm in his hands and Jack blank eyes staring up at him. His face was comically surprised, a clashing note to the bullet in his head. He felt the bile rise in his throat, but could not be sick. That was too human. Inside what ever part of him that was still human screamed out, shrieking that it was for her, he had killed him for her...

_You're just like me..._

The fear was there now. The people crept like frightened children, eyes wide in terror. The horror was gone now, and he drunk in their fear, intoxicated by it. He found it hard not to brag, saying it was him that shot Jack through his stupid head. But he was smarter than that.

She knew it was him. He knew it everytime he cornered her in the Jungle. She'd start crying, asking why he had shot Jack. She'd shrink away from his embrace, glaring at him through glassy eyes, face white and drawn.

_Violate all the love that I'm missing,  
__blow away all the pain that I'm living.  
__You will believe in me..._

The hunger inside him wasn't going away. It was like an animal was inside him, devouring his insides. Everyday made it stronger, till he could stand it no longer.

He took Shannon.

They must have heard Shannon's screams. They found him, crouched over her, eyes wild and mad. He glanced up just as he had slit her throat. He saw the horror and grief and unbearable pain on Sayids face as Shannons life dribbled away before his eyes.

_...I can never be ignored_

He should have died then. The knife wound to his side certainly would have killed anyone else. But something inside him forced him to stay, kept him from burning in Hell. He would not go until he saw the love in her eyes, till he had held her in his arms.

_I will die for you..._

He wandered for days, alone. He saw the smoke in the jungle, black clouds belching upwards towards the grey sky. He heard the explosions, and perhaps they were screams that drifted to his ears.

_I would kill for you..._

He slipped back to the beach, curious. Death coated his nose and throat long before the smell of the sea ever reached him. He passed Charlie's body, but barely glanced at it. Others were draped like bright streamers from the trees, all around. He finally found the sand.

_I will wait for you..._

The beach was a massacre. The sand was red, the sky was red, everything was red like blood. He heard soft crying, and knew where she was. He walked over, a smile forming on his face, stepping over the still bodies. She would be so happy to see him...

_To be close to you..._

There she was, rocking back and forth, huddled in a corner, staring at Claire's baby. The little thing was dead, limp and cold. She looked up, and he saw the anguish in her eyes, then the dawning dread.

_To be part of you..._

She fought him. Tearing at him flesh with claws, writhing in his grip like an animal. He held on, crushing her against him. She was still crying, screaming at him. She was a shell now, destroyed by fear and grief.

But he could not hear her. He whispered to her, stroking her tear stained face, holding her like a lover.

"Shhhh, it's okay, I'm here..."

She was still fighting. Annoyed, he tightened his grip. Why was she fighting him? She jerked in his grip, and he held her tighter, tighter...

She was gasping, eyes popping in her blue face.

Then she stopped.

He touched his lips to her closed eyes, kissing away her tears.

_

* * *

I would die for you..._

* * *

Sawyer held Kate in his arms, and he didn't even notice when she went cold. 


End file.
